Life or Something Like It
by SVOC Luva
Summary: AU and Dean Angst. Takes place the second year after Sam left for Stanford. Dean and John are taking care of a poltergeist for a friend of John's in a small town in Massachusetts.
1. Feelings

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related. Though I wish I owned Sam and Dean.

AN: This is my second Supernatural fic and the second fic I've posted. It's been forming in my head since Scarecrow and I decided I would write it after watching Route 666 . Constructive criticism please.

Title: Life or Something Like It

Summary: AU , Dean Angst , and Romance. Takes place the second year after Sam left for Stanford. Dean and John are taking care of a poltergeist for a friend of John's in a small town in Massachusetts.

Chapter 1: Feelings

Dean and John were sitting in yet another shitty motel room cleaning their guns when John's cell rung. John picked it up and

answered, " John Winchester. Jack is that you ? It's good to hear from you what's going on ? Okay hold on a sec... Dean I'm taking this outside I'll be right back keep cleaning the guns." ordered John. " Yes Sir ", Dean answered. John left the room to continue his conversation in private leaving Dean alone with his thoughts. Dean was really tired of these crappy motel rooms and hunting. He was tired of this fucking poor excuse for a life he wanted to have a real life one like the guys and girls his age had. He wanted to go to college not be on the road killing evil with his father , he wanted a home , to live in a dorm room or an apartment not live in a new shitty motel room every couple of weeks , he wanted a steady relationship with a girl , somebody he could talk to and didn't have to be fake with , not a one night stand. He was just so tired of being different... a freak , he wanted what he knew Sammy had right now and he also wanted Sammy in his life he missed the little shit so much.

He hadn't been the same since Sammy left he barely joked and flirted anymore he had thrown himself into the hunt that's all he had left now. He was hardly living anymore and he knew that he could care less if he died and he knew he should be worried about that but he couldn't bring himself to care. He didn't think his dad or Sam would care anymore any way. John had been sending him on a lot of lone jobs and he hardly saw or talked to the man anymore. Sammy didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Every time he would call Sam would scream at him , hang up , and take the phone off the hook. Also whenever Dean would visit Sam he would slam the door in his face or practically shove him back in the car while screaming at him that he should tell dad if he wanted to know how Sam was doing he should come and see for himself instead of sending his good little soldier to find out for him . Sam wouldn't even listen to Dean's protests that it was Dean himself coming to check on him because he missed his baby brother. He really missed Sammy, Sammy was what he had lived for since his mom had died he didn't know how to live without the little shit.

Dean was snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of the hotel room door opening. He looked up at his father as he walked towards the bed he was sitting on. "What's up dad , what did your friend want? ", Dean asked politely John sat down on the bed picked up a gun to clean before speaking , " That was Jack a marine buddy of mine he's having some problems in his neighbor's house , scratching noises , lights flickering ", John said in an all business tone. "All signs of a malevolent spirit. So what are you thinking it is , a poltergeist? " , asked Dean. That's exactly what I'm thinking" , said John. Dean nodded, " So are we both going or are we going on separate gigs? " , he asked. " We're going to handle this one together poltergeists are tricky so I think it's are best bet to do this together ", John answered. "Sounds great so where we headed ? ", Dean asked with a smirk that he usually reserved for woman or his baby brother. " Whitman, Massachusetts " , answered John. " Have we ever been there I've never heard of it before? ", Dean asked. " No we've never been there , and most people haven't heard of it it's a really small town ", John answered sending a grin in his son's direction. Dean grinned back and then in a serious tone said , " Dad I'm really glad we're doing this together I... I've missed you I'm glad we're going to spend some time together. " " Maybe I'll meet a hot girl too , small towns are good for meeting those. ", Dean said in a not so serious tone, his eyes lighting up with a spark John hadn't seen since Sammy left. John smiled wide and couldn't help but ruffle his son's hair as he said , " Alright buddy let's pack up."

3 Hours Later

They had been driving for about three hours now and Dean had drifted off about fifteen minutes ago. Dean had been joking and talking sarcastically for the entire ride before he drifted off, joking was something Dean hadn't been doing a lot of recently. Over the course of the past year his son had become a sullen and work obsessed man and right now John had his cocky and sarcastic son back and he was enjoying every minute of it. John thought back to the conversation they had just before they left. His heart had swelled when he saw that spark in Dean's eye he hadn't seen it since Sammy left.

Dean had Mary's eyes, god he was so much like Mary that it sometimes hurt John to look at him. Dean had Mary's blonde hair too it was darker than Mary's but it was hers all the same, he had her bone structure, he had her sense of humor, he had her out going attitude, he had the same spark in his eyes, he was filled with love and compassion, he had a hero complex, he had her love and passion for music, and lastly John's favorite Dean had Mary's laugh. Oh that laugh how John loved that laugh. It was the same laugh John had heard every night before Mary died when they snuggled and spoke of Dean's antics of the day. Mary used to say that Dean was such a miracle and that he had music in his soul, she was right about both. Mary and Dean would spend a half an hour every day singing and playing on the piano. Dean had been great at playing the piano even though he had been only four years old. He also had a wonderful voice when he was little boy. John was sure Dean had a wonderful voice now but John hadn't heard Dean sing since the year after Mary died.

He loved Dean's sense of humor too. If Dean hadn't had his sense of humor Sam and John would have completely driven each other away when Sam was fifteen. John also knew that Dean used humor as a defense mecenisim, so people couldn't see how much things affected him, how much he hurts. That is another thing he got from Mary, they both felt things so deeply. John knew that he messed up really bad with Dean, actually he messed up bad with Sam too, a fact that Dean's pointed a few times, He would say, " Dad I don't like the way you're treating Sam and Mom wouldn't like it either." John had slapped him across the face every time he said it too, which is the reason why John knew he had messed up more so with Dean. He had never laid a hand on Sam but he had beat on Dean. Sometimes he would get drunk, which led to yelling and screaming at his son, which then led to beating him. The only reason he never beat on Sam was because Dean had either stopped him, put Sam to bed or told Sam to go up stairs. He regrets hurting his son and he knew the best thing he ever did as a parent was to let Dean take the lead role in parenting Sam because Dean has been ten times the parent to Sam that John has been to both of them. John glanced at Dean and touched his son's face lightly before turning his attention back to the road.

AN: So that was the first chapter, the romance hasn't started yet and there wasn't really a plot. I wanted the first chapter to establish Dean and John's relationship. If you want more let me know and I'll keep writing and if you don't then I'll stop.

Please Review and Constructive criticism please.


	2. Something To Believe In

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related. Though I wish I owned Sam and Dean.

AN: Thanks for the reviews H.T.Marie, KatieMalfoy19, and Ghostwriter. After watching Nightmare I'm even more driven to write this because Dean was acting strange when Sam was saying that they were lucky to have John as a father all things considered. Dean had a strange look on his face as he some what sarcastically said sure all things considered. Which makes me think that my theory about John being abusive toward Dean might actually be true. Also in Scarecrow when he was on the phone with John he asked where John was and then John said something we didn't hear then Dean straightened up and said yes sir with no emotion at all. Thanks for your suggestions KatieMalfoy19, there are going to be flashbacks for both Sam and Dean one in this chapter and this chapter is dedicated to you. Oh and I decided there isn't going to be any Romance, he is just going to be friend with my made up character. Sorry this took me so long to write this I've been pretty sick and sometimes it's hard to concentrate. So on with the story!

Chapter 2: Something To Believe In

John pulled up into Jack Schneider's driveway and parked the car, then he pulled the keys out of the ignition and glanced over at his son with a sigh. He really didn't want to wake Dean up but he had to. " Dean, buddy wake up! ", John said loudly giving Dean a gentle shove. Dean snapped up quickly, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and said, " I'm awake, are we in Whitman? " John nodded yes and looked toward the house. Dean looked sleepily out his window, it was a beautiful summer day and they were definitely in the suburbs. The house in front of them was yellow with a white front porch. Dean looked at his father with a smirk and remarked, " At least there's no white picket fence." John looked at his son whose eyebrows were raised willing John to contradict him and he couldn't help but let out a light laugh. " Alright wise guy lets go we have work to do. ", John said with a smile on his face. Dean nodded as they both got out of the car and closed their doors. The sound of the car doors closing was quite loud in the quiet of the early afternoon as they made their way up the porch steps. John knocked on the door and they waited for it to open in silence.

When the door opened it revealed a man who looked to be a couple of years younger than Dean. He had blonde hair and blue eyes, he was about an inch taller than Dean, and he looked pretty strong. John smiled at the man and said, "You must be Jack's son Jonathan, you're the spitting image of your father." Jonathan smiled back shook hands with John and Dean and said, " Yeah people tell me that all the time and call me Johnny. You must be John Winchester and you're his son Dean right? " John and Dean nodded and John said, " Yeah that's us, is your dad around?" Johnny nodded and said, " Yeah come in." As John and Dean walked in Jack came into the room. " Johnny who is at the... John hey you're here, it's good to see you! Wow you're all grown up Dean, the last time I saw you were three years old. You grew up handsome, you look like so much like Mary!" , said Jack who was smiling like a mad man. Dean grinned a huge grin and said, " I remember you, you have two daughter's right? Ahh I think their names were Monica and Samantha and you bought me army men and hot wheels! " Dean laughed softly at the memory. Jack laughed too before saying, " Yeah that's right I have two daughters named Monica and Sam and yes I bought you army men and hot wheels." John smiled too before saying, " So Jack can we see the house you were talking about? Oh and it's good to see you too." Jack nodded, " Yeah the house, lets go. "

He led them out the back door and Johnny came too. They walked over to the street and Jack pointed to the large rundown white house across the street. The paint was chipping away and some of the windows were broken. " It's an old Victorian house and it was turned into apartments a long time ago, way before we moved here and we've been living here for a little over twenty four years. All the people that have ever lived in the apartments have had serious issues. There have been incidents of physical and sexual abuse in that place. I was thinking this might your type of thing because the flickering lights and scratching noises. Also there is a boy that lives over there he said he was in bed and he felt someone get in the bed with him and he looked next to him and there was a ghost, he said it tried to rape him but he got away. There was a man that lived there a while back. Johnny was probably four when he was arrested and convicted of raping our neighbor Jen. He died last year and that is when the problems started happening. I was thinking it might be his spirit or something."

John nodded, " That is a very real possibility. I'll be looking into that. Is there anybody who might know more about what happened in that apartment?", John asked. " No I don't think so, I'm sorry. ", said Jack. " I know somebody.", Johnny said. Everybody turned to him in surprise and John asked, " Where can we find this person? " Johnny shook his head and said, " Whoa hold on a second, I have to call her first and ask her if it's okay, she just got out of the hospital. Another thing is I don't thing you should talk to her she won't respond well to you. It would be better for Dean to talk to her." Dean looked at Johnny with his eyebrows raised and asked , " Why me?" " Number one there is no way in hell that she'll trust your dad enough to tell him. Number two she hasn't told her parents or anyone else the details. Number three you're around her age she would feel more comfortable talking to you. Number four you're the kind of guy she's into. Last but not least number five, you're wearing a Metallica shirt and you drive a 1967 Chevy Impala her dream car!", Johnny said in all seriousness. Dean nodded those were all good points he looked over at John and asked, " Is it okay if I talk to the girl sir?" John nodded and said, " I think that's a good idea son, you go ahead." Dean nodded and said, " Yes sir ".

20 Minutes Later

Dean pulled up into the women's driveway and took the keys out of the Impala's ignition. He opened the car door and headed up the stone steps that lead to the house. The house was nice enough it was light green with cranberry shutters and cream windows. Dean had been thinking about what he was going to say to the women since Johnny had called her and she had said it was alright for Dean to come over and talk to her. He didn't know what to say really so Dean figured he would make it up as he went along. He knocked on the door and a minute later a women about his age with strawberry blond hair, wearing a Metallica t-shirt and jeans opened it. She smiled a real smile one that reached her eyes and said, " Hi so you're Dean Winchester, it's nice to meet you!" Dean grinned widely and sincerely said, " Yeah that's me, you must be LaraAndersonand it's nice to meet you too! "

She waved him into the house and pointed to a comfy couch and they both sat down. Dean looked around the room the walls were maroon and there were nice pictures on the walls. The couch and huge arm chair were light brown with a maroon and green print. Dean smiled at her again and said, " This is a nice place you have here."Larasmiled back at him and said, " Yeah it is, it's my parents house, I'm staying here for the summer. Most of my doctors are here in Massachusetts so that's why I'm here. When school starts up again it's back to California."

Dean nodded and said, " Johnny told me you had a chronic illness and that you just got out of the hospital. Where in California do you go to school? My brother goes to school in California too. What are you studying? "Lara started laughing at him and Dean looked at her with an innocent expression on his face that said what is so funny, what did I do?. He looked so cute and it just made her laugh harder. After a couple of minutes she got control of herself and still smiling she said, " Sorry it's just you talked so fast just then. First you were talking about me being sick , then you were asking what school I go to and telling me your brother goes to school in California too, and then you're asking me what I study all in a span of like thirty seconds."

Dean laughed at himself and ducked his head in embarrassment , " Sorry it's just that I don't really have any friends because I grew up the way I did and I never really get to spend time with anyone my age. My brother Sam was... **_is_** my best friend, my only friend really. I raised him so there really wasn't any time for me to make any other friends but now he's at Stanford and he won't talk to me anymore. I just... I don't know what I did wrong, what I did to make him hate me so much. Anyway you just seem nice you know... trust worthy. Johnny is lucky to have a friend like you. I don't usually come across people like you... people who care. I like being around you, you make me believe that there is good in the world it's been hard to believe that there's good stuff out there since Sammy left. I kind of got swept up in it, sorry. Shit, I'm sorry I just unloaded you." He looked at her so brokenly his eyes wide stinging with unshed tears and her heart broke for him.

Lara smiled a sad smile and said sincerely, " It's okay Dean, I understand. You didn't unload on me you just spoke freely and I can see that you don't do that a lot, actually you probably don't do that at all. I know what that's like I don't do it either. Anyway I'm used to people telling me all of their secrets. My mom says that I wear a sign that says tell me all of your secrets, unburden yourself. Dean look at it this way I'm going to be telling you my deep dark secrets so there's nothing wrong with you telling me yours. The answers to your questions are the following. I go to USC and I'm studying film it's a passion of mine. I was going to study law or become a social worker so I could stop what happened to the boys in that apartment from happening to other kids. I decided not to I figured the job might break me. Film became a passion of mine when I got sick, I think it was because most people watch TV when they're sick and that's what I did. I started to love it at some point, I wanted to know how they made the movies and the TV shows. My favorite TV shows got me through being sick they still do actually. So I'm learning how to write scripts, to film things, how to direct, and how to act and I'm loving every minute of it. I only have one semester left and when I'm done I have a job lined up. So there is your answer."

Dean smiled and said, " That's cool I wish I could go to college but I can't I have to be there for my dad and help him hunt down the monsters. What we look for while we hunt the things that go bump in the night is the thing that killed my mother. Oh and speaking of things that go bump in the night we need to talk about the spirit that is in that apartment. What did you see happen in that apartment? " Lara gave a tight lipped smile and said, " The first time I noticed that Dave wasn't a nice guy Nick, his little brother Matt, and I were playing soccer in the yard and he came home early from work. He was cleaning out his truck and he asked Nick and Matt to take something up to their apartment. Nick was quick to say yes but Matt told him no and he just flipped out. He started beating him... "

Flashback

Clang!

A ten year old Dean flinched as heard the bottle break in the other room. Sammy was still eating his grilled cheese sandwich and Dean needed to get him upstairs now. " Sammy go upstairs now.", Dean said firmly. " But Dean I haven't finished my grilled cheese sandwich yet! ", Sammy whined. " Sammy go upstairs now! ", Dean yelled. Sammy started to get all teary eyed and one tear made its way down his little cheek. Dean sighed and wiped the tear on Sammy's cheek away with his thumb. " I'm sorry I yelled Sammy, but I need you to go upstairs in our room and close the door. You can take you're grilled cheese sandwich with you. I'll be up in a minute to help you get ready for bed. I'll tell you a bedtime story and I'll sing whatever song you want to help you sleep but right now I need you to go upstairs. ", Dean said tenderly. He smiled sweetly at his brother and was rewarded when a big grin lit up Sammy's face and he nodded. Dean's smile widened and he playfully ruffled his baby brother's hair and said, " Good boy, go on I'll be up in minute and Sammy don't get in your pajamas you need a bath tonight." " Okay Dean! ", Sammy yelled before grabbing his grilled cheese of the table and running up the stairs.

Dean's smile slid off his face after Sammy left. Dean hesitated before going into the living room to help his father. John was nursing a bottle of vodka while staring at the shattered beer bottle he had thrown at the wall just minutes before. Dean looked at his father and hoped he wasn't in the mood to slap him around tonight. He had enough bad bruises on his stomach and legs from the beating he got last night. " Dad I'm going to pick up the glass okay. ", Dean said quietly so he wouldn't piss his father off. John nodded and Dean went into the kitchen to grab the trash barrel. He came back into the living room trash barrel in tow and started cleaning up. When he was finished he could feel his father's stare on him. He looked up at his father with questioning eyes and John scowled and with a venom that sent chills up Dean's spine said, " Why do you have to look so much like your mother? It makes it so hard to be around you, you don't deserve to look like her, you're not good enough. You never do anything right. "

Dean started backing away from his father and said in a small, timid voice, " I'm sorry that I look like her and I promise I'll do better, I'm sorry sir." John got up and shook his head and yelled, " You always say that but you never do any better!" John was walking towards Dean while taking his belt off. Dean walked backwards until he was pressed against the wall trembling with fear. " Oh god no. Please sir, please don't use the belt I'll do better I promise! Daddy please don't! ", Dean stuttered out frantically, fighting his hardest to keep from crying. When he cried his dad hit harder. John grabbed Dean by the collar of his shirt, turning him around and then using the belt to beat him all over his back, his ass, and the back of his legs. Dean trembled but he didn't let himself cry. When John was finished he yelled, " We're done here go up stairs and take care of your brother!" Dean nodded and said, " Yes sir." He grabbed the trash barrel, put back in the kitchen and then headed upstairs to take care of Sammy.

End of Flashback

" Dean, Dean are you okay? ", Lara asked with concern. Dean nodded and said, " Yeah I'm okay I just had a flashback." Laranodded and smiling knowingly, " I have them all the time they're not pleasant. ", she said. " No they're not, now on with your story. ", Dean said grimacing. So Lara told him about how one day she was eating dinner in Nick's apartment and Dave came home late from work. She told Dean that Dave was drunk and that he came into Nick's room and Nick told him to leave but he didn't. He threw Nick's Sega against the wall in a drunken rage and he pinned Lara against the wall and raped her. When Dave was done raping her he raped Nick and Lara watched. When Dave finished with Nick , Nick told Lara to leave and Lara ran out of there as fast as she could.

Dean told Lara about the flashback that he had, he told her about what happened to his mother, he told her how hard it was to raise Sammy and now not be able to talk to him, he told her about the time he got raped when he was twelve while his dad was hunting a werewolf, and he told her how he has been hustling in bars and on street corners since he was fifteen so Sammy and him could eat decent meals. They had cried for each other and for themselves and when they were done they had wiped each other's tears away. They both got up from the couch and hugged. Dean smiled and asked, " Do you have any paper? " Lara smiled and nodded and she pulled two pieces of paper out of the notebook on the coffee table. She gave Dean one and kept one for herself. She handed Dean a pen and picked up one for herself. They both wrote down their cell numbers and Lara put her address in California on her piece of paper. They each folded their pieces of paper and swapped. " I put my California address on there for you, if you're ever in California checking up on Sam come visit me and tell Sam what your dad did to you. Also talk to your dad about it, I'm going to talk to my family too. ", said Lara. Dean nodded and said, " I'll do all of those things. I'm glad you're going to talk to your family too. I'll come see you before I leave." Liliana nodded and watched as he made his way out the door and down the stone steps. When he finished walking down the stone steps he turned to look at her and gave her a little wave before saying, " Thanks for giving me something to believe in." He got in the Impala and sped off down the road.


	3. Conversations

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Sam and Dean. I especially wish I owned Dean.

AN: I'm sorry this took so long, I have a chronic illness and I've been in a lot of pain which makes it hard for me to concentrate. Thank you for the reviews KatieMalfoy19, Ghostwriter, H.T.Marie, and Lu 14! A special thanks to KatieMalfoy19 for your suggestions and being the biggest fan of this story. This chapter like last chapter is dedicated to you. Sorry there is no Sam and Dean interaction it wouldn't have worked in this chapter. I promise it will be in the next chapter. Constructive criticism please.

Chapter 3: Conversations

4 Months Later

November 2, 2002

It had been four months since Dean and his father had killed the spirit that was haunting the old Victorian house in Whitman, Massachusetts. Dean hadn't really needed to talk Lara Anderson it was just a simple spirit all they had needed to do was salt and burn Dave Hogan's bones and then their work was done. Even though Dean hadn't needed to talk to Lara he was glad he had. They had become really good friends and he was a frequent visitor at her place whenever he was in California. Which is why at this exact moment he was sitting on her couch with a beer in his right hand as they both stared intently at the TV screen. Lara had roped him into watching the first disc of Smallville season one. He had to admit it wasn't a half bad show and Superman was one of his favorite superheroes. He and Sammy used to read Superman and Batman comics when they were younger. When the disc was finally over Lara turned off the TV and gave him a look that plainly said it's time to talk.

" So Dean have you talked to Sam or your Dad about at least some of your issues? ", asked Lara.

Dean bowed his head and spoke softly, " No, every time I try to talk to my dad about it I just freeze up and can't talk about it. I go and check on Sammy but every time I've approached him he always gets mad at me. I don't understand what I did to make him hate me so much. Anyway whenever I go to check on him I just watch him for a little while. I don't approach him anymore, he doesn't want to see me.

Lara sighed and gently said, " Dean I understand how hard it is trying to talk to a parent about things like this and not being able to go through with it. I haven't told my parents anything either, I'm having a hard time talking to them. Dean I have told my sister. It was really hard to do but I did it and I want you to go and at least try to talk to Sam. Dean I don't think Sam hates you, he probably misses you a lot. Try to get him to listen and if he shuts you out it's his own fault not yours. One more thing Dean, I don't want you staying in a shitty motel room. If you don't end up staying at Sam's place I want you to come back here and you can crash in my guest room, okay. "

Dean slowly raised his head and looked her in the eye before sincerely saying, " I'll try and talk to him Lara, I promise. Thanks for letting me crash here! I really hate sleeping in those shitty motel rooms! I hate the dusty bed sheets and the moldy walls and you definitely don't have those! "

Lara smiled at him and said, " So I take it you're definitely staying here then? You should bring in some of your stuff and put it into the guest room before you head over to Sam's. I'll make up the bed while you are over there.

Dean grinned at her and said, " Yeah I'm definitely staying here. I'll go grab some stuff from the car. Hey Supergirl is it okay for me to have a knife and a shot gun in here with me?

Lara smiled at the nickname and said, " Of course you can bring in your knife and a shot gun Superman. Now go get your stuff! "

Dean put his beer down on the coffee table, went down stairs and out to his Impala. He grabbed his duffle and a shot gun. His knife was in his duffle so he didn't have to worry about keeping that out of sight. He headed back up to Lara's apartment and walked right in.

" Hey Lara I'm just going to use your bathroom before I head over to Sam's okay! " , Dean called placing his duffle and shot gun beside the couch as he headed to her bathroom.

" Okay go ahead! ", she called back.

A minute later he came out of the bathroom, grabbed his stuff and walked into the guest room. Lara was in there making up the bed for him. He dropped his stuff next to the bed and then bent down to grab something from his duffle. He pulled out his cell phone and put it on the nightstand.

Lara looked at the phone and then at Dean with questioning eyes. Dean smiled at her and said, " I don't think it's a good idea to take it with me. If it rings I'll use it as an excuse to get out of the conversation. If it rings you can answer it, if it's my dad tell him that I'll talk to him when I get back from Sam's place. "

Lara smiled back and said, " I can do that for you, now get your ass over to Sam's!

" Yes ma'am! ", Dean said grinning at her as he headed out of the room.

As soon as Lara was sure Dean had left she grabbed his cell phone off the nightstand and scrolled through his numbers. When she came to Sam's she pressed send and waited. After a couple of rings a man answered saying, " Hello who is this? "

Lara wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans before answering, " Hi I'm Lara Anderson, are you Sam? "

" Yeah this is Sam. I don't mean to be rude but do I know you? ", Sam asked politely.

Lara smiled to herself at his politeness and said, " No you don't know me. I'm a friend of your brothers. "

" Is he okay? Did something happen to him? ", Sam asked worried.

Lara smiled softly she could tell Sam cared a great deal about Dean because of his concern. " He's okay nothing happened to him. I just need to talk to you about him. ", Lara answered reassuringly

" Oh okay I'm glad he's alright. Now when you say that you're a friend of Dean's do you mean that you are... uh? ", Sam said trying not embarrass Lara or himself.

Lara laughed and said, " No we're just friends we're not sleeping together! I go to USC and Dean's staying at my place for a few days. He's on his way to see you. He comes and checks on you all the time but he doesn't try to talk to you anymore. He thinks you don't want to see him, he misses you a lot. I wanted to tell you that he has something important to tell you and he's probably going to be looking for excuses to get out of telling you. I need you to push him into telling you, he can't keep this to himself anymore.

" I'm surprised that Dean has a friend that is a woman and hasn't slept with said woman yet. He is not usually the type to make friends that want something more than getting in his pants. I do want to see him and I am sorry that I've been an ass to him. I have been an ass to him, I thought he was checking on me for dad not for himself. I miss him too. Today is a bad day for him it's the anniversary of our mothers death. I have no problem with pushing him into telling me something. If it's not good for him to keep it to himself I'll push really hard. ", Sam said seriously.

Lara smiled sadly and said, " Sam your brother is not so shallow that he won't hang out with me unless I sleep with him. He is just afraid of relationships, he thinks that if he doesn't let himself get close to people the less likely it is that people will leave him. Dean has some serious abandonment issues. Also I'm not shallow enough to use him for his body. He was definitely checking on you for himself Sam. You are the most important thing in the world to Dean, you're _his _ Sammy. I hate to be the one to break it to you Sam but Dean raised you, he gave up his childhood for you. And don't you think for one second that he has ever regretted it because he hasn't. Don't apologize to me about being an ass to Dean apologize to him. Tell him you missed him too it would make his day. Push him as hard as you can, it's really important that Dean talks to you about this! I have to go Sam but it was nice talking to you. "

" It was really nice talking to you too Lara. Bye. ", Sam said sincerely.

She pressed the end button on his cell phone and put it back on the night stand. Then she went back to her task of making up his bed.

AN: Please Review.


	4. Beautifully Broken

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Sam and Dean. I especially wish I owned Dean.

AN: I'm sorry this took so long, I hope this chapter is okay. Thanks for the reviews KatieMalfoy19, Ghostwriter, and svocluva127 ( KK, love you cuz!). Again a special thanks to KatieMalfoy19 this chapter is dedicated to you. KatieMalfoy19 you have been a real help to me with this story, I really enjoy our conversations! There will probably be two more chapters after this one, I hope you enjoy! Please Review.

Chapter 4: Beautifully Broken

3 Hours and Thirty Minutes Later

Dean stood outside Sam's apartment door taking a couple of deep breaths before knocking. After a few minutes of patient waiting the door opened to reveal a beautiful blonde haired girl who Dean knew was Sammy's girlfriend. He gave her a wide smile and said, " Hi I'm here to see Sam, I'm his brother Dean. Is he home? "

Jessica smiled back at him and said, " Hi Dean it's nice to finally meet you! I'm Jessica Sam's girlfriend but call me Jess. Sam has been talking about you all day today. He's worried about you, he said that today is always a hard day for you because it is the anniversary of your mothers death. I'm sorry about your mother Dean, I bet you miss her a lot. Sam also said that when he was little that your dad wouldn't tell him about your mother so you did even though it was hard for you. He misses you a lot.

Dean smiled at her brightly. It was a heartbreakingly beautiful smile and she was struck by both the sadness and happiness it radiated. She tried to think of something that would describe him and she figured he was what you would call beautifully broken. He was still smiling brightly and he said, " It's nice to meet you too Jess! Don't be sorry it's not your fault and yeah I miss my mom a lot. Dad didn't like to talk about her a lot, but Sammy deserved to know things about his mother so I told him. I've missed him a lot too. I didn't think he would want to see me.

Jess waved Dean into the apartment and said, " He definitely wants to see you Dean. " " Sam your brother is here to see you! ", Jess called as she watched Dean walk into the apartment with a big grin on her face.

There was a loud thump heard in the other room and then the squeak of sneakers on the hard wood floor before Sam was there staring at Dean with love and concern in his eyes. Sam and Dean just stared at each other for awhile before Sam realizing that Dean was to afraid to make the first move crossed the room in four long strides and hugged his big brother tightly. Dean hugged Sam back and he hugged him just as tight if not tighter. Dean pulled his younger brother's head down to rest on his shoulder all the while running his hands through the unruly brown hair. They hugged for quite a while before finally letting go of each other and grinning like idiots.

" It's really good to see you Sammy, I've missed you! ", Dean said sincerely.

" I've missed you too Dean! I'm sorry that I have been a complete ass every time you've called me or came to see me. So Dean why did you decide to come see me today? Is it because of mom? ", Sam asked.

" Yeah you were kind of an ass but it's okay. Mom is I guess part of the reason I came to see you. I also need to talk to you about something too. ", Dean said with his head hung low looking up at Sam through his eye lashes.

" Jess is it okay if we talk alone? ", Sam asked politely.

Jess smiled at Sam and said, " Of course it's okay, I have to go meet Becky anyway. I hope you guys have a good time catching up. " She grabbed her purse gave Sam a quick kiss goodbye on the cheek and then headed over to Becky's.

Sam smiled at Dean and said, " Come on man sit down and relax. "

They walked over and sat down on the couch. Dean fidgeted a little he really did not want to have this conversation.

Dean smiled at Sam and said, " Jess is nice, I'm glad you found someone to be with. "

Sam smiled back and said, " Yeah Jess is great, she's a really good person. So Dean what is it that you wanted to talk to me about? "

Dean fidgeted and said, " I wanted to talk to you about... how da... I wanted to talk to you... never mind I can't do this, I thought that I could but I can't. "

Dean got up from the couch and was about to head for the door when Sam grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.

" Dean do you think I'm going to let this go this is obviously something important. Now tell me what you were going to tell me. Does it have to do with dad? ", Sam asked calmly.

" Please let it go, I can't tell you. You would hate me and you would hate dad. ", Dean pleaded emotionally.

" No, Dean I'm not letting this go. I could never hate you Dean, you're my big brother and there hasn't been a time in my life when I can't remember you being there for me. Now let me be here for you. ", Sam said firmly.

" Sam you really will hate me! ", Dean pleaded his voice cracking on the word hate.

" No Dean I won't hate you, I could never hate you! Now you're going to tell me what is going on and you're not getting off this couch until you do! ", Sam said angrily.

" Sam you can't keep me on this couch! ", Dean screamed very pissed at his little brother.

" Yes I can Dean! ", Sam screamed back also pissed off. " Dean just please try to talk to me because I'm not going to stop pushing until you tell me. ", Sam said his voice calmer than it wasthe moment before.

Dean's breathing was shaky as he sucked in a deep breath. He exhaled and asked with his voice quivering, " Why are you doing this to me? "

Sam looked Deandirectly in the eyes and said, " Because I care about you Dean, that's why. It's obvious that whatever you came here to tell me is really hard for you to talk about which means it's painful. You need to talk to about it Dean, the pain will get better if you talk about it."

" Howthe fuckdo youknow thattalkingwillmakeitbetter Sammy! I don't see how me telling you that Dad used to beat me all the time is going to make thepain that he caused go away! ", Dean screamed his voice filled with pain. Dean stared at Sam his breathing ragged and his chest heaving.

AN: Please Review!


	5. More Than Empty Conversations

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Sam and Dean. I especially wish I owned Dean.

AN: I'm sorry this took so long, I hope you guys like this chapter. Thanks for the reviews KatieMalfoy19, Ghostwriter, tvbatina, and H.T. Marie. Special thanks to KatieMalfoy19 and H.T. Marie you have both been really helpful. This chapter is dedicated to you KatieMalfoy19. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Please review.

Chapter 5: More Than Empty Conversations

Dean stared at Sam his breathing ragged and his chest heaving realizing the enormity of what he had just said. He sucked in a deep shuddering breath before saying, " Oh God Sammy I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry I didn't mean to tell you like that."

Sam stared at him stunned his mouth opening and closing as he searched for something to say. When he finally got a hold of himself he asked shakily, " He... dad beat you Dean? "

Dean sucked in a another deep breath and jerkily nodded his head before saying, " Yeah he did. "

" I ... God Dean I'm so sorry. If I had known he had put you through that I never would have left you with him. You shouldn't have had to go through that. I should have known. I can't believe I didn't notice.", Sam said his voice filled with emotion.

Hearing Sam berating himself sent Dean right into overprotective big brother mode. " Sam it's not your fault. It's okay he didn't beat on me while you were gone... well only once and it's not that big of a deal. Sam you couldn't have known because I covered it up. Sammy I didn't want you to know it's not your fault it's mine. ", Dean said sternly.

" It's not okay Dean and it is a big deal, he had no right to hurt you like that. You did a good job covering it up Dean, I never even suspected. Dean I know it's not my fault but you need to know that it's not your fault either. I know you don't want to hear this but this is _dad's_fault and _his _fault alone. He was the adult and he never should have hurt you Dean.", Sam said his tone just as stern Dean's had been.

Dean fidgeted in his seat and said, " It really is okay Sammy, dad has always been sorry after and it's not like he was sober. Well he was sober a few times, but he was sorry after those times too. It's more my fault than it is dad's fault Sammy. I was... I was never good enough and I never did anything right, dad had to teach me Sammy."

Sam sighed, ran a hand through his disheveled hair, and shook his head.

" Dean it's not okay, dad abused you and it doesn't matter that he was sorry for hurting you because he never should have done something to hurt you in the first place. It doesn't matter if he was sober or drunk when he hit you because either way it was child abuse Dean. It was in **_no _**way your fault Dean, _dad_ chose to get drunk and _dad_ chose to beat you. I can't believe he had the nerve to tell you that you weren't good enough and that you never did anything right. You did everything he ever asked you to and more. Hell you did everything I asked you to and more. You've done everything for this family and neither dad or I have given you anything back. I'm so sorry Dean, you deserve so much more from me. From dad too.", Sam said brokenly.

Dean bowed his head and his hazel eyes looked up at Sam through his eye lashes.

" It really is okay Sammy and it's okay because every pain and humiliation I felt when he beat me was and still is worth it because I know you never had to feel it. I would do anything for you Sammy and I mean anything. I know what dad did wasn't right but I still think it's my own fault. It's going to take me awhile to see it any differently. I still think I wasn't good enough and that I messed up too much. Dad used to say that I looked to much like mom, that I wasn't good enough to have her face. He was right. ", Dean said with a sad smile.

Sam shook his head sadly and said, " I know Dean, I know you'd do anything for me. I... Dean I know you don't like chick flick moments but right now I don't care. I love you Dean you're the best big brother I person can have. You're more of a father to me than dad is and I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. You know what dad said about you not being good enough to look like mom, well it's bullshit. You do deserve to look like mom and don't let anyone ever tell you other wise."

" I'm glad you know I'd do anything for you and I love you too Sammy. I did raise you and I don't care that you didn't realize it sooner because you realize it know and that's all I could ever ask for. As for mom, like dad said I don't deserve to look like her.", Dean said smiling sadly.

Sam sighed exasperated and said, " Yes you do deserve to look like mom Dean!"

Dean sighed too and said brokenly, " No I don't Sammy. Mom she was an angel, she used to teach me to play the piano and after we were done she used to tell me I was special and gifted and I never understood what she meant. I can still play but I don't, it makes me miss her more. She used to tuck me in at night and sing to me or read me bedtime stories. And I... I 'm tainted. Look at me I was raped when I was twelve, I hustle on street corners and in bars, and I run credit card scams. I don't deserve to look like her, I'm too tainted."

AN: There will be at least two more chapters, just so you know. Please Review.


	6. Cry

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Dean and the Impala! A girl can dream can't she!

AN: I'm sorry that this took me so long. I've been in a lot of pain and it hasn't been easy for me to concentrate. Thanks for the reviews KatieMalfoy19, H.T. Marie, Ghostwriter, Latanya Kassidy, tvbatina, and girlofcherrys. Special thanks to KatieMalfoy19 and H.T. Marie you guys have both been a really big help to me with this story! KatieMalfoy19 this is dedicated to you! On with the story!

Chapter 6: Cry

Sam stared at Dean speechless for the second time that day.

Then Sam screamed, " You've been what? You do what?"

Dean flinched at his brother's raised voice before saying, " Shit! Sam I was raped and I hustle, um you know I let people use my body for cash."

Sam still gaped at Dean while asking, " When did you get raped?"

" Do you remember that time when you were eight and I was twelve and dad was hunting that werewolf in Texas?'', Dean asked his voice shaky.

Sam nodded and said, " Yeah Dean I remember."

" You know that crappy apartment complex we were staying at, well there were some messed up people living there. There was this guy and he was really nice to me. I used to help him wash his car and he would give me some money after. One time when I was in his apartment getting the money and he told me to take my clothes off because they were soaked and it was cold outside. He told me he would give me a sweatshirt and then I could go back to our apartment. I told him no, that I didn't want to take my clothes off so he took them off for me and he raped me. I'll never forget it, it hurt like hell and he wasn't exactly gentle with me.", Dean said his voice quivering and his eyes filled with unshed tears.

" He's a sick bastard Dean, what was his name? Does dad know?", Sam asked as calmly as he could.

" His name was Steve Davis and no I didn't tell dad. He would have killed the guy and then he could have gotten arrested. I didn't want that to happen Sam!", Dean yelled his voice quivering.

Sam gave Dean a small smile and spoke calmly.

" It's okay Dean. I understand that you didn't want dad taken away from us. But there is more to it isn't there Dean?", Sam asked.

Dean nodded his head jerkily before whispering brokenly, " He... he said he'd kill you and dad if I told and I was scared. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want him to hurt either of you. I... I didn't want to be alone, I still... I still don't want to be alone."

Dean sucked in a shaky breath while trying to keep the tears from falling. Sam's heart was breaking as he watched his brother fight against the tears. He had never seen Dean this emotional before.

" Dean it's okay that you were scared, anyone would be scared in a situation like that. Dean its okay for you to cry.", Sam said soothingly.

Dean quickly shook his head no and sucked in another shaky breath while still fighting against the tears.

" I can't Sammy.", Dean said his voice quivering.

" Yes you can Dean. It's okay to cry and if you do cry Dean it doesn't mean you're weak.", Sam said soothingly.

" It's not that Sammy.", Dean said shakily.

" Then what is it?", Sam asked gently

Dean bowed his head and whispered, " I'm afraid that if I cry I won't be able to stop. I can't lose control like that Sammy. I have to be tough and strong dad needs me, you need me."

Sam had to strain hear his brother's broken confession. What he heard broke his heart, he hated the fact that Dean felt that he couldn't cry because that would mean he was letting down Sam and their dad. Sam understood why Dean felt that way though. Dad didn't allow crying and Sam himself had always considered Dean to be pretty much invincible. So Dean felt that he couldn't cry because he would disappoint both Sam and John and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

" Dean you're always tough, strong, and brave for dad and me now it's time for us to be here for you. Dad is not here right now but I am, let me be here for you.", Sam said.

" I don't think I can Sammy.", Dean said sadly.

" Yes you can Dean.", Sam said seriously.

Sam leaned over and pulled Dean into a bone crushing hug. Now it was Sam's turn to pull Dean's head down to rest on his shoulder. When Dean's head was resting comfortably on Sam's shoulder Sam whispered into Dean's ear.

" Dean you don't have to be brave right now. Let yourself cry, let the pain out because if you don't it's going to eat you up inside. Just let go Dean.", Sam said whispering.

Dean was shuddering with every breath and he felt the tears in his eyes brimming over. He took a deep shuddering breath and when he exhaled his broke down into sobs.

AN: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. There should be at least two more chapters, this story is going to be longer than I thought it was going to be. Oh well. Please Review.


	7. I'm Broken

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Dean and the Impala! A girl can dream can't she!

AN: I'm sorry that this took me so long. I've been in a lot of pain and it hasn't been easy for me to concentrate. Thanks for the reviews KatieMalfoy19, H.T. Marie, snchills, and dustori! Special thanks to KatieMalfoy19 and H.T. Marie you guys have both been a really big help to me with this story! KatieMalfoy19 this is dedicated to you! On with the story!

Chapter 7: I'm Broken

Dean sobbed into Sam's shoulder while Sam rocked him back and forth. Sam couldn't help but let a few of his own tears fall, it really hurt him to see his super hero big brother like this. When Dean's cries quieted he slowly pulled back from Sam and wiped away his tears.

Dean smiled at Sam but it didn't have its usual brightness or charm. " I'm sorry that I lost it like that Sammy. That was one of the biggest chick flick moments ever. ", Dean said his smile becoming more real.

Sam smiled back and said, " Don't worry about it Dean. Yeah it was a big chick flick moment. The chick flick stuff isn't over yet though Dean. We need to talk about the... the hustling and why you don't want to be alone.

Dean's smile faded from his face when Sam mentioned talking about the hustling and his issues with being alone. Dean bowed his head and looked at Sam through his eye lashes and said quietly, " Okay Sammy when can talk about it. There is no use arguing with you anyway."

Sam smiled and said, " You're right there is no point in arguing with me. I'm not letting you leave until you tell me."

" I told you I was going to tell you didn't I! ", Dean huffed.

Sam nodded and said, " Yes you did, now please tell me about the hustling."

" I was fifteen when I started hustling. I started because Dad was hunting more and working less and we needed money. You needed to eat Sammy, you needed clothes, and things for school. "

" Dean I would rather of starved than have you hustling. You could have been hurt! Why hustling and not a job at a fast food place or something?", Sam asked exasperated.

" Sammy you were hungry you needed to eat, hell I was hungry too. I did get hurt hustling, I still do! When I was fourteen I would work at grocery stores when we were going to be staying some where for a while. But it was minimum wage you know and dad wasn't working really so it wasn't enough. Hustling pays better especially if you do the kinky stuff. I've been with a lot of men and it's not like I enjoy it but it pays for things. I don't regret starting to hustle Sam it was my job to take care of you.", Dean said serious.

" Dean I want you to stop hustling, I don't want you getting hurt! ", Sam said firmly.

Dean shook his head sadly and said, " I wish I could stop Sammy but I can't I have expenses. I hunt a new thing every week unless its a harder gig and it costs a lot of money for gas and motel rooms to stay in. Then I need to eat so I need money for that. Then I need money to wash my clothes. I need to buy new weapons sometimes too. I also need money for the cell phone bills because dad and I check up on each other every day. You probably don't believe this but I don't like pulling credit card scams, I'd rather hustle. Other people don't get hurt from me hustling. Sammy I can deal with pain if I get hurt, it's not so bad."

Sam sighed defeated and said, " I can see there is no way I'm going to change your mind. So I'm just saying please be careful Dean. "

Dean nodded and said softly, " I'll be careful Sammy. "

" Thank you. Dean what do you mean you've been with a lot of men? ", Sam asked tentatively.

" You're more naive than I thought you were Sammy. Women don't want to pay for sex but men are pigs. ", Dean said seriously.

" I get it Dean women want sex to be more and a lot of men just don't care. I'm sorry that you had to start hustling to keep food on the table when we were kids Dean. Dad should have been working instead of hunting he's the one who should have been keeping the food on the table and the clothes on are backs.", Sam said frustrated.

" It's not your fault Sammy and you're right it should have been dad's reasonability. But I was used to him dumping some of his responsibilities on me anyway. You've been my reasonability since dad placed you in my arms and told me take you outside twenty years ago tonight. I did what I had to do Sammy and I don't regret it."

" I'm sorry you didn't really get to be a kid Dean.", Sam said sincerely.

" It's okay Sam it was worth it, you got some what of a childhood right? I did the best I could I'm sorry if it wasn't good enough. ", Dean said quietly.

" Yeah I didhave a childhood Dean. Not like most kids do but I had one and I had one because of you. Don't worry Dean you did a great job. Look at me now I'm in college and I have a great girlfriend I'd say you did a good job with me. ", Sam said smiling.

Dean grinned back at Sam and said, " Yeah you're right you turned out great and some of that is because of me."

" Yes it is. Now tell me about why you don't want to be alone. ", Sam said gently.

" I have issues with being alone... well really with people leaving me since mom died. Abandonment issues are what I have. That is why I never try to have relationships. If I get close to people they'll just leave so why bother getting close to them. Everybody leaves me. Mom did, then mom's family, then you, and then dad. I don't see dad much anymore he is usually hunting on his own. Then after dad left I met this girl Cassie and I fell in love with her and she left me, just like everybody else. Then dad came back and left again and I met Lara. I'm always afraid that Lara is going to leave too, but I don't think she will. ", Dean said looking down at his boots.

" I'm sorry I left Dean, I'm sorry I left and that I didn't say goodbye. Things are going to change from now on okay Dean. We're going to talk more and you're going to visit whenever you're in California. We can fix this Dean if you keep talking to me about your issues and if we work through them they can go away.", Sam said completely serious.

Dean smiled a sad smile and said, " I'm broken Sam and you can't fix me and neither can I."

AN: There is going to be at least one more chapter maybe two. Please Review.


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